Articles

Fathers: Mentoring and Strengthening
By Jack Hickman

My grandfather is a man I never knew. I just know him by the stories that are told about him. "Buck" was a drinker and a 'hobo type'. My dad tells me he would hop a train every few months and disappear for 4-6 months. One day after he had been gone for awhile he was back and giving orders. One of the large older brothers went over to him and looked directly into his eyes and said 'maybe you don't understand but you don't give the orders around here anymore'.

Buck had lost his place. Through his alcohol and running off, through the neglect and the physical abuse he didn't have a role in the family. Whatever his role might have been, he failed.

And maybe we could ask- what is the place of a father in the new millenium? There are so many alternative lifestyles and new ways of doing things you might ask 'what does a dad even do'?

Bo Jackson wrote a book 'Bo knows Bo' in the early 1990's. He is an amazing person since he is the only one so far to be named as an 'all star' in two major sports. He was a running back for the NFL and a designated hitter for the White Sox. Early in his book he admits to feeling very empty without a father. He says he was large enough he could win fights and steal but he could never steal the hug of a father.

I see the role of a father as critical. And no matter how hard it is to define what a dad really does people can feel the hole it leaves when he is not there. Or when he does a poor job.

Paul tells us: 'Children obey your parents in everything for this pleases the Lord. Fathers do not embitter your children of they will become discouraged' Colossians 3.21

If fathers can be a source of discouragement they are important in ENCOURAGEMENT. The word for this malaise that strikes young people is 'faint' or 'no spirit' (athuma). Your fire and passion for living is your THUMA. And there is an embittering that takes the power right out of your bones.

Aimee Mann is a singer I like. She wrote a song 'Guys like me' that describes a person who looks so good but inside they are cold and detached. She says 'looking warm but feeling chilly you'll describe us as impassioned but it's just a front we've fashioned'. The look is there but there is no heart and no passion. A kind of deadness sets in on people's lives.

Toni Morrison has been called one of the 30 most influential women in America. She won a Pulitzer Prize for one of her novels. She is a college professor, and is asked often how she became a great writer. She gives all the credit to her father. She claims it is not technique. When she was young she would show her dad her stories and he would make over them affectionately. She says it is that, and nothing else that did it for her.

Everyone claims to know what our society needs. Secular humanists claim they want the right to self determination ( see 'council for secular humanism' on the web). Sociologist James Davidson Hunter feels the important issues are guns, abortion, sexual ethics and censorship. There are lots and lots of twists and turns and choices for us to make as a culture.

I have worked with the elderly, I have worked in the prison system, and I have seen many patients in the mental health system as well as in drug rehab. The crying need I see for many is for the encouragment of a father. People need courage. People need spirit. Many of us want our passion back. And people long for a voice that tells them they are important and that their voice is heard.

THE BLESSING is a book written by Gary Smalley. It outlines the need for touch, spoken words that express high value and warmth. Long ago Jacob blessed his sons. All the men of Israel blessed their sons, and eventually the young girls were included in the 'blessing' as well. Gary Smalley has written an excellent book about this 'blessing' that can get passed down generation to generation.

He tells of an experiment by a doctor who did a study of his patients. A certain number he touched, and an equal number he did not touch. The findings were striking. The 'touching' group reported a greater degree of connection and satisfaction with their physician. The power of touch is profound. The 'touching' patients even gave the doctor credit for being with them longer than he was. When he touched them it just made the time stretch.

I believe this need for touch is what is behind much of the infidelity and sexual brokenness in our world today. People are looking for love. And despite being with an exploitive and dark person needy people will still say they are seeing a 'good man' or 'good woman'. The lack of passion and heart leaves them open to being used.

We must be encouraged because we can find blessing. Even if we missed it in our early years the connection we have with our Lord and Father can fill us with power, courage and vision. The bible tells us 'behold i make all things new' and even if there are deep painful places in your heart and mind, God's strength helps us find our way. We can find a new way to live.

And the church provides a place of fathering. The church is a family unit and there are fathers and mothers who bring us warning, teach us skills and bring the encouragement we so clearly need.

Fathers are to be honored ( Exodus 20) and even if they have been abusive God can give you power to let unforgiveness and pain go. And the suprising thing is he makes we who have not known the love of a father into kind fathers ourselves.